


The Life & Crimes of Honorificabilitudinity Potter

by Anonymous



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Harry will be popping off soon, M/M, Necrophilia, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rape, This Is Not A Parody, straight up murder
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:28:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23686942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: A canon rewrite featuring a Strong!Dark!Ingenious!Millenial Harry. Short chapters but will update frequently until the story is through!! HARRYMORT IS ENDGAME WITG FULL ON ANAL ASSURED! This is my forst fic so I hope you like it.
Relationships: Harry Potter/Voldemort
Comments: 8
Kudos: 28
Collections: Anonymous





	1. Prologue

There once was a house at 4 Privet Drive in Surrey, a suburb in some place in England no American has ever heard of. It was a normal house. A boring house. The kind of house you'd expect to see a high functioning crack cocaine addict living in on an episode of Intervention but not a house so tricked out you'd ever see a Real Housewife visiting.

In this house lived Vernon and Petunia Dursely and their son Dudeley, but there was another resident at Privet Drive.

A resident who secretly lived in a cupboard under the stairs.

That resident's name?

Honorificabilitudinity Potter.

This is his story.


	2. Before Hogwarts: A Letter Arrives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw: boy dick and guns

The day Honorificabilitudinity Potter's life changed started out like any other. He awoke in his cupboard to the sound of his aunt unlocking the door and his pecker hard in the oversized sweats that used to belong to his cousin Dudeley and still had the skid marks in the back to show for it.

Honorificabilitudinity blinked when the door opened and his aunt's equestrian face appeared. 

"Breakfast!" Petunia barked like a seal. "Hurry up, boy. Dudeley needs his bacon."

"But, I'm allergic to pork!" Honorificabilitudinity complained.

Petunia looked pointedly down at Honorificabilitudinity's erection and Honorificabilitudinity felt it shrivel like a tapeworm in the sun.

"Obviously not," Petunia spat. She reached into the cupboard and yanked Honorificabilitudinity out of it. "Now move!"

Honorificabilitudinity moved. He went to the kitchen where his uncle Vernon and cousin Dudeley were already seated and began pulling out ingredients, casting one mournful look at the bowl of overripened avocados in the fridge. Honorificabilitudinity was forbidden from touching the avocados and his family never ate them. They bought the expensive fruit just to show they could, so that if a guest came over and looked in the fridge they would see the avocados and think to themself, "Oh my, the Durseleys must be so rich! Look at all the avocados they can afford to buy!"

As a millenial Honorificabilitudinity could only dream of such luxury.

He cooked the bacon and mentally apologized to the pig it came from. The meat was barely placed on the table before Vernon and Dudeley fell upon it like ravenous wolves. Aunt Petunia, Honorificabilitudinity saw, was only eating a single prune. He knew that she had been constipated lately and so that was why.

"Boy!" Vernon shouted through a mouth full of Oscar Meyer bacon that they had somehow bought at a shop in Surrey even though Surrey was not in America 🇺🇸. "Get the mail!"

"Yes uncle Vernon," Honorificabilitudinity mumbled.

He went to get the mail and was shocked to find a letter addressed to him in the mix of it. 

A letter addressed to

Honorificabilitudinity Potter  
Cupboard Under The Stairs  
4 Privet Drive  
Not America

Honorificabilitudinity had never gotten mail before and he was so excited at the prospect of someone writing to HIM that he ripped the letter open immediately.

The contents of the letter shocked him.

"What are you doing?!" Petunia suddenly neighed, making Honorificabilitudinity jump at how close she was. 

"I've been invited to a school," Honorificabilitudinity said faintly. "It says that I'm a wizard!"

Aunt Petunia went as white as a Trump 2020 re-election rally at the news.

The horror on her face was strange to Honorificabilitudinity as was the complete lack of surprise.

It only took a moment for him to figure it out.

"Wait...did you know about this?"

"I...I..."

Honorificabilitudinity felt the anger rising in him. "Did you know I was a wizard?"

"I..."

"DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS AUNT PETUNIA IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME????!"

"Oh, Vernon!" Petunia finally cried out, backing away from Honorificabilitudinity like he was a shopper with strong BO in the cannedgoods section of the supermarket. "Vernon, come quick!"

It was then that Honorificabilitudinity pulled out the gun.


	3. Before Hogwarts: A Death In The Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw: gun violence, murder, guro, rape and necro

Petunia was so agog at the nine by nineteen millimeter G19 Generation 5 Compact Glock that Honorificabilitudinity had pointed at her American Quarter Horse face that she hardly noticed it when Vernon came huffing and puffing into the area.

"Pet," Vernon gasped, "wat--?"

His words stopped short once he noticed the gun at which point his face turned the color of a set of well spanked balls and he dropped dead right there on the floor with a thunderous bang.

Petunia began screaming, thus bringing Dudelee into the room and once he started screaming too, well Honorificabilitudinity couldn't take it anymore.

He killed them. He ended their lives. He shot Petunia dead right then and there and then shot Dudeley in the back as he turned to run. 

Honorificabilitudinity could feel his dick throbbing at every bang, the sound making him so horny that he couldn't stop shooting even once his family was down. 

He stood over his cousin's body and emptied the clip into him American style until the gun did nothing but click on its emptiness.

Honorificabilitudinity panted staring down at the large slop of raspberry jelly the bullets had turned Dudeleys marshmallow belly into. His dicked ached with need, weeping desperate tears into his saggy undies.

Honorificabilitudinity let out an anguised cry and ripped his pecker out of his trousers. He was kneeling over Dudele's body before he could stop himself and sinking his dick right into the hot open gash in his cousin's body and moaning as he bounced his cock right into Dudeleys entrails like he was bugs bunny in heat and Dudely gurgled beneath him.


	4. Diagon Alley: A Trip To The Bank

Honorificabilitudinity walked through Diagon Alley with his fingers pinching his nose to try to stave off the thick smell of horse manure that permeated the air.

(A/N: how Honorificabilitudinity got to Diagon Alley will be revealed in a flashback later on!!!)

The smell reminded Honorificabilitudinity of his aunt Petunia who never bathed as she believed bathing was a slutty French habit and instead only boiled a pot of water with vinegar once a year to wipe her smelliest places off with.

Honorificabilitudinity felt no guilt when he realized his aunt would never not bathe again.

Diagon Alley was weird and strange and odd. Everyone wore dresses and some funny pointed hats. The buildings looked run down on either side of the street and Honorificabilitudinity could feel his lip curl up in distaste.

"This is the wizarding world?" he asked himself as he stepped over a piece of disturbingly black poop on the ground that he suspected had been plopped out by a woman walking in front of him. "How nasty!"

The one building in Diagon Alley that didn't look like the before version of a house on an episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition hosted by American contractor and television personality Ty Pennington was the giant white building at the end of the road.

Honorificabilitudinity approached it and read the plaque on the door which read

_**GRINGOTT'S BANK** _

_**WARNING TO ALL WHO ENTER** _

_**WE'LL FUCKING FRY YOU LIKE A PIECE OF KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN IF YOU STEAL FROM US. WE DON'T KNOW WHAT A KENTUCKY IS BUT WE HAVE HEARD IT IS A HORRIBLE PLACE WHO MAKE OGRES LOOK LIKE AMATEURS WHEN IT COMES TO THE MATTER OF TORTURE** _

Honorificabilitudinity was impressed with the sign's lovely Helvetica font and went on in. The room he entered was large and filled with little creatures who looked like what would happen if hairless cats became human 

He approached one of them.

Honorificabilitudinity: hello I'd like some money

The creature: do you have an account?

Honorificabilitudinity: idk

The creature: then take this knife and carve the numbers 666 in your finger. Bleed onto this paper and it will show if you have any accounts with us

Honorificabilitudinity did as instructed, cutting his finger and bleeding all over the offered paper. All of a sudden writing began to show up on the paper as if written in his blood

HONORIFICABILITUNDIDILY JOHANESBURG ELIJAH MONTENEGRO POTTER

VAULTS: 9

VAULT 1 - POTTER VAULT - 857533689 GALLEONS

VAULT 2 - EVANS VAULT - 5555 GALLEONS

VAULT 3 - BLACK VAULT - 985247893158 GALLEONS

VAULT 4 - PEVERELL VAULT - 0 GALLEONS

VAULT 5 - HORNABY VAULT - 429 GALLEONS

VAULT 6 - WIPPERSNAP VAULT - 888 GALLEONS

VAULT 7 - FOOTE VAULT - 6 GALEONS

VAULT 8 - LORENSKI VAULT - 9 GALEONS

VAULT 9 - CLEXASTEN VAULT - 2 KNUTS

TITLES:

  * LORD POTTER
  * MASTER OF DEATH
  * TRUE KING OF WIZARDING BRITAIN
  * HEIR BLACK
  * HEIR PEVERELL
  * HEIR PENDRAGON



WIZENGAMOT SEATS: 99

BETHROTHALS: 1

BETHROTHAL WITH LORD VOLDEMORT REGISTERED AT BIRTH

the writing stopped and suddenly Honorificabilitudinity passed out on the floor due to blood loss.


	5. Gringotts: Broke Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait! I was the witness in a murder trial and had to be sequestered without WiFi access until I testified but that's done now!!!!
> 
> No warnings this chapter.

Honorificabilitudinity woke up on a shag carpet with a goblin peering down at him

"Uhbgn, what happened?"

"You fainted," said the goblin 

"But I never faint."

"Well you did this time and as you've stained this lovely avocado green shag carpeting that's been in the goblin family since the goblin wars, we'll be charging you for its clean up." The goblin smiled a mushy toothed grin. "We will be charging QUITE a bit."

"Yeah about that." Honorificabilitudinity stood up. "All that money you said I have, where did it come from? How can so much be circulating in this world without the whole economy collapsing?!"

"Mr. Potter - Ho - Hon - Honk...?"

"My name is Honorificabilitudinity," Honorificabilitudinity said. "It rhymes with Larry."

"Honorificabilitudinity, this is a magic world. It's magic. Who cares how your vault is so full when you're rich?"

"Well, I don't want it."

The goblin gasped. "WURT???" 

Honorificabilitudinity shrugged. "Hoarding wealth is inherently amoral and I wouldn't be a good American if I took part in it."

"But you're British?"

"Same thing, fingaling! I also don't believe in the institution of marriage so count that out too. I'd like to donate all of my funds, titles and prospective spouse, this Voldemort guy, to the American Red Cross."

The goblin stared at Honorificabilitudinity in horror.

It was then that Voldemort broke down the door.


	6. Not A chapter

Unfortunately I will have to abandon this story as I will be going somewhere for the foreseeable future without any internet access or ties to my former life. Apologies for being unable to finish it!


End file.
